I friend told me about this sad story that happened at her town’s Parish.
The new priest in town, because he was nervous for his first sermon, asked the Archbishop for advice. The archbishop tells him that maybe a cup of Tequila will help him relax. The priest knew he was at the edge of an emotional breakdown, so he decides to drink more than one cup of the elixir.
When finally in the pulpit; the priest felt great, and give an emotional sermon. He was proud that all parishioners listened his sermon until the end. When he finished the service he found at the sacristy a note from the archbishop.
Here my observations about your first sermon, and some recommendations for the future.
– If next week you still feel nervous, take ONE SMALL CUP OF TEQUILA, not the whole bottle.
– It isn’t necessary to add salt and lemon to the chalice.
– The little cabin on the left of the pulpit is the confessional, not the urinal.
– The basket pass through parishioners is to collect the alms, not ‘the heap for next gig’.
– There are 10 commandments, not 15.
– The apostles were 12, not a ‘f***** bunch’, and none of them were a ‘faggot’.
– The ‘Holly Cross’ is not a Mexican pub.
– Cain killed Abel, not ‘blow his balls off’.
– We do not refer to Jesus and his disciples as ‘J and the balls suckers’.
– Judas was a traitor, not a ‘son of a bitch’.
– The holy water is to bless, not ‘to shower the ding-a-ling’.
– Please avoid preaching holding a bottle of tequila, and table dancing is not preaching.
– Avoid smoking on the church, and the candles are not there ‘to fire the joint’.
– God expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden because they sin, not because they ‘fornicate their brains off’.
– The host are the consecrated bread or wafer of the Eucharist and are for communion, not to be eaten as chips and dip on guacamole.
– The sinners go the hell, not ‘to fry their asses’.
– The church chorus can’t perform the Rolling Stones’ ‘Saint of Me’.
– Your initiative to call the parishioners to dance was good, but please do not ask them to ‘Limbo under the benches.’
– And lastly, that ‘fat ass on the last row wearing his Mom’s dress’ was I.